


I Never Knew

by Hallemcready



Series: Cockles Ficlets [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Language, M/M, POV Jensen, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 10:09:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3724951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hallemcready/pseuds/Hallemcready
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jensen and Jared push Misha too far, it leads to a confrontation and some long overdue truths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Never Knew

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Serenhawk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serenhawk/gifts).



> Not beta'd. Hopefully I've caught everything in editing --but that never happens. 
> 
> No offense is intended. I simply love these men and sometimes my muse just won't let it go.
> 
> Thank you Serenhawk for always listening. I hope this is alright.

It's been hard playing Dean Winchester for ten years. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting. The short days have never quite sat right with Jensen either. It gets dark so much sooner in Canada than it does in LA or Texas, and he hasn’t ever really gotten used to it. While he doesn’t regret taking the gig for even a second, his point stands --it’s not always easy.

Jensen really does love his job though. They have the best crew around (and they put up with his and Jared’s shenanigans like champs), he gets to work with one of his best friends (who is more like a little brother to him at this point), and if he's really lucky, it's a Cas episode, and he gets to work with Misha.

However sweet the gig is, playing the same character for more than twelve hours a day, five days a week, ten months out of the year...it gets really fucking old sometimes. The whole situation does. At least Gen comes up to Vancouver quite a bit, so Jared doesn't have the same problem with it that he does. Misha gets to come and go, while he's around a lot, he's not married to the damn place. Plus, he gets to see Vicki and his kids pretty often.

It's probably a combination of boredom and envy, over the aforementioned situation, that causes Jensen to allow things like this to happen.

They started pranking Misha for real in season five. He's always such a good sport about it all. He's also shockingly gullible for someone who fights the status quo every waking moment. But it's all in good fun, and it usually ends in laughs all the way around.

Jensen is, however, the first to admit that sometimes it gets out of hand. He won't blame Jared, because Jensen is a grown ass man who is responsible for his own choices, but it is usually because he chooses to follow Jared's lead instead of what his gut tells him.

This time it all comes crashing down over something as simple as a bad joke.

Jensen and Jared hadn't filmed with Misha in a couple months (the last episode featuring Cas, he had been separated from the brothers so he and Jared never actually saw Misha on set), and they had really missed him. Granted the way Jared missed Misha was definitely different from the way Jensen missed him, (of course Jensen had seen Misha off set, though it didn't make him miss the man any less) but the over excitable puppy had missed him too, Misha's one of his closest friends --believe it or not.

It was because they missed him that they had gotten over zealous. They had been pranking him pretty mercilessly for the last three days. Even the crew was starting to get hostile about it. Jensen knew it was getting out of control but he couldn't seem to help himself. He got caught up in the momentum and he wasn’t sure how to stop. Yesterday they had to be removed from the set during Misha's coverage altogether.

It was Thursday morning now, he and Jared were finishing getting their hair and makeup done when Misha came in. Jensen felt a twinge of guilt at the dark circles under his friends eyes. He looked tired, he was wearing an adorable oversized sweater and a beanie. Trisha reached to remove it as Misha settled into his own chair, trying to get a look at what she had to work with today. Jensen was just starting to ease out of his own chair and go over to check on Misha when Jared piped up.

"You sleep under a bridge last night dude?" Jared laughed to himself as he got up, grabbing his coffee and strode out of the trailer. Jensen knew he didn't mean anything by it, Jared was completely blind to social cues sometimes. He felt himself stumble though, the change in the room was palpable and he could sense that they had seriously crossed some boundary they weren’t aware of with that remark. Jensen knew he was included with Jared because he had been a willing participant all week, and he knows he doesn't get the luxury of distancing himself now.

The three of them freeze. After a moment, Trisha takes a deep breath and lays her hand on Misha's shoulder. Misha stands abruptly from his own chair, shaking off her hand, and gets right in Jensen's face. Jensen shuffles backwards in surprise, hitting the wall, as Misha crowds him. He has never, in the seven years he’s known Misha, seen him look like this. His eyes shown with unshed tears, but he looks furious, his expression is closed off and cold.

Jensen gasped involuntarily when Misha grabs him by the shirt and shoves him forcefully back into the trailer wall. When he speaks it’s a rough, rumbling sound that resembles Cas more than Misha.

"You can go fuck yourself, _Jensen Ackles_. Tell the director, I won't be on set today."

The way Misha spits his whole name makes Jensen feel hollow inside.

Then he pushes away from Jensen, giving him one last venomous look before walking out and slamming the door.

"What the fuck just happened?" Jensen asks bewildered, hoping their hair stylist has more insight than he does. While he knows they've been dicks, he has no idea why that particular comment pushed Misha over the edge.

"Jensen, I love you but... You’re such an asshole sometimes." She looks almost as angry as Misha had, hastily cleaning up her work area, though she’s throwing things more than anything.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Have you ever actually asked why he started Random Acts? Or talked about his childhood? Or had any real conversation where you're not giving him shit? Because you know what? His fans know those things, millions of people know why what was just said was so offensive. Why do you guys treat him like that anyway? Are you jealous?” She pauses, seeming to consider her next words carefully. “I have had enough, and I know I’m not the only one.” she rounds on him then, sticking her finger in his chest with enough force to bruise, “You better fucking fix this."

Jensen stares wide-eyed, frozen in place. He lets her tirade sink-in as she pushes herself away from him and slams the door behind herself too.

 _Did he know the answers to those questions?_ He remembers a story about someone helping his family when Misha was a kid... but the rest?

Guilt settles heavy in Jensen's gut.

He could go looking for all of that information himself, but he knows he probably wouldn’t find all the pertinent links. He gets out his phone and calls someone he knows will be able to help him.

****

His conversation with Osric had not gone as planned. He too, was pissed at Jensen, though he had agreed to help him. Jensen honestly hadn’t thought he would ever witness Osric truly angry, especially not with him. As he waited for the email to show up in his inbox, as Osric promised, he felt himself grow more apprehensive.

Why was everyone this angry with him? He felt like there was something going on and he seemed to be the only one unaware of it. He did not like it one bit. It was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind, it felt like when you know you’re forgetting something and you can’t remember what it is.

His thoughts were soon interrupted by the charm of his phone indicating a new email. When he opened it he was surprised by how much was there. The email simply said “In no particular order” followed by a list of links. The fact that Osric was able to collect them all so quickly didn’t escape Jensen’s notice. Again the feeling that everyone was in on some big secret except for him sat heavy in his chest as he clicked on the first one.

What followed was a youtube playlist of Misha’s panels. Jensen watched them all one right after the other. He felt himself grow cold as he watched the poor quality phone videos of his friend telling very personal stories. Misha spoke of being homeless as a child. How his father worked at a convenience store. Often the only food Misha ate was from there, purchased with money he earned on a paper route. So of course Misha was overweight as a child, and bullied. Misha spoke of wearing nail polish to school and being ridiculed. He talked about cutting himself, and his experiences with depression. He spoke of having no one take an interest in him except for one of his paper route customers who later died. Misha cries during many of these stories. After watching the final video on the playlist Jensen realizes he’s been crying as he watched Misha bare himself so thoroughly for his fans.

 _How did he never know these things about someone who means so much to him?_  He knows he was aware of certain details but he never had a clear picture overall of Misha’s life. He can’t help but feel such sorrow that someone so incredibly kind and compassionate has suffered so much. He has to force his emotions back under control before he can continue.

Jensen is afraid to see what the other links contain. What more could there possibly be? How much worse does it get?

He gets up to get himself a few fingers of scotch. Shooting has been delayed today. They’re doing Jared and Mark’s coverage now. Everyone is angry with both him and Jared for pushing Misha so far.

At this point, Jensen is content to hide out in his trailer stewing in his own guilt. He knows he fucked up, but now he’s starting to get a much clearer picture of just how badly he’s fucked up.

Jensen sits back down at the small table with his laptop. When he realized just how much there was to look at he had given up using his phone. He clicks on the next link and braces himself.

It takes him to a tumblr blog, and it’s a collection of screenshots from different social media platforms. They’re all of people sending Misha hate. Very hurtful, very personal, hateful messages. People telling him to leave the show, what a horrible person he is, that he should kill himself?! _What the fuck??_

Jensen feels himself growing more livid by minute as he follows link after link displaying the bullying that his supposed ‘fans’ have been directing at his best friend, his lover, for years. Campaigns to get him fired. Scheming to tank ratings for Misha’s episodes. Plots to leave terrible reviews for his charity. How to cheat at online polls every time Misha is up for anything. And so many of these people claimed to do it all _in his name?!_

Jensen sits back, pushing the computer away from himself. He can’t look at it anymore. No wonder everyone was so angry with him. He was angry with himself. He was angry that these disgusting people would do things so awful to someone like Misha. He also found himself unspeakably angry with the man himself. Why didn’t Misha ever tell him about all of the hate he gets from Jensen’s ‘fans’? Did he not trust Jensen? The more he thought about it, the more worked up he got. They were best friends, they were _more_ , or so he thought. Jensen tells Misha everything, so why on Earth would Misha keep this from him? True, many people knew without Misha having to tell them, but the other actor knew he wasn’t savvy about this stuff, he knew that Jensen wouldn’t stand for it if he had been aware. Misha knew that... _didn’t he?_

Guilt and anger war through him as he finds Clif. He orders the older man to drop him off at Misha’s house and leave him alone the rest of the day. The man looks at him, obviously picking up that something is off, but wisely doesn’t say anything. Apparently he can occasionally be perceptive.

When they get to Misha’s townhouse, his car is out front so Jensen hops out and waves Clif off before approaching the front door.

The place is beautiful, and unique. Though this house definitely didn’t compare to Misha’s L.A. home, it was still definably ‘Misha’ in it’s unusual aesthetic. Jensen finds himself pounding on the oak door harder than he planned, still strung out with fear and anger.

When Misha pulls the door open he looks disheveled and tired. His eyes are red and he smells of vodka. Jensen supposes his own odor of scotch is probably just as potent. Though it was mid afternoon at this point, he’s glad for the privacy of Misha’s home --considering together they probably reeked like a distillery.

“What the fuck do you want Jensen?”

Misha’s voice is hoarse, and infected with pain. It makes the guilt in Jensen’s chest flair up.

“Can I come in and talk to you?” Jensen speaks quietly, he feels himself adjusting his own body language without making the conscience effort to do so. He comes across as submissive in a way that only Misha seems to bring out in him.

Misha doesn’t respond, he only stares harder at Jensen, very Cas-like and penetrating in his gaze. Jensen finds himself following up with a whispered, “Please Mish…”

At that, Misha blinks and steps back, allowing Jensen to enter his home. It was dark inside and there was music playing low in the other room. Something very melodic and soulful, Jensen made a mental note to find out what it was later, as there was some indefinable quality about the musician’s voice that kind of wrecked him.

Misha stands in the middle of the room, arms crossed defensively, waiting for Jensen to speak.

Jensen clears his throat before finding the words he needs. This moment is important, and he can’t allow his emotions, his guilt, anger or regret, let him fuck this up.

“I’m so fucking sorry Mish. We were way out of line and…” Jensen swallows, the sound is louder than it has any right to be, “why didn’t you tell me about all the harassment you get?”

He looks up then and sees Misha’s eyes widen for a moment before his mask of cool indifference is back in place.

“Honestly J, it didn’t concern you. Besides, it’s not like it’s a secret, you just never bothered to inform yourself of anything outside of your very narrow view of the world.”

Jensen stifled a gasp. That hurt. That hurt _a lot._

Here’s the man who is easily his best friend, the man who makes him question everything about himself, the man who has become _everything_ to him, and he thinks Jensen doesn’t care enough to want to know about this. He also managed to target an attack on the very core of him with just a few words. By the look on Misha’s face, that’s both exactly what he meant to do and not at all.

“First of all Mish, of course it concerns me. You are my best friend, my--”

Misha’s harsh laughter interrupts him.

“Oh please Jensen, we all know that Jared is your best friend. It’s always you two, and the rest of us are insignificant. We don’t matter to the network, to the show, or to you. This week has definitely proven that.” Misha’s bites out his retort as he moves back to the kitchen for more liquor.

Jensen takes in a ragged breath as the realization hit him --this is it. Everything between him and Misha is riding on this conversation. Their working relationship, their friendship, their… everything else they are to each other. This is not the time for Jensen’s pride. He needs to just say it. The anger at being shut out of something so important is still very much present and, to be honest, he’ll be getting over that for a while, but this cannot be about him right now.

“Alright, this is how it is. Jared is like my brother. I didn’t choose him. We’re together all the time, we have to be. I love him. Sometimes he annoys the shit out of me, but I love him anyway. Just like a brother. But you…” Jensen thinks about the endless conversations he’s had with Danneel about this, she gets him and right now he thinks her semi-teasing term for Misha describes his feeling pretty fucking well. “I _chose_ you. Danneel likes to tease me about how much you mean to me, she says you're my world, she calls you my husband... she's right. Jared’s like my brother and... you’re like my husband, my world. You know me in a way that no one else does, not even her. You see me. You make me want to be better. I love you Mish.” Jensen has to take a steadying breath after those words leave his mouth. “So I may have to be with Jared all the time,  but I _choose_ you… and I have your back. I want to, and I won’t stand for people treating you the way they do. And now that I know about… everything... when you were a kid, all the shit you've dealt with, _still_ deal with, I’ll be having a few words with Jared too. But please, _please_ don’t shut me out anymore... ok?”

Jensen is afraid to look up. The room is quiet save for the music still playing in the other room. It feels as if the very building is holding it’s breath, waiting for Misha to decide if he wants to let Jensen be a part of his life or not. Only a few seconds have passed, but it feels interminably longer and Jensen can’t stand it anymore. He glances up and his heart shatters at what he sees. Misha is standing there, eyes wide, with no mask and no defenses. The tears fall silently down the planes of his stubbled face. Jensen can tell in that moment that Misha isn’t done with him, and he’s so fucking thankful for that.

Without thinking he steps forward and pulls Misha toward him. Their bodies mould together perfectly and Jensen hugs him with everything he has, trying to convey what he can through touch alone.

Misha sobs at the contact and it makes the dam inside Jensen give way. He feels the tears hot on his own face but all he can think about is the way Misha’s hands are balled into the fabric of Jensen’s shirt, like vices on his back holding him tight to the other man. The pressure feels magnificent. Relief floods his system when it occurs to him that Misha might need him as much as he needs Misha.

“I’m still angry with you.” Misha mumbles this into skin of neck, and Jensen can’t control the way goosebumps pebble across his skin in response.

“I know, and I’m still angry you didn’t tell me about the way my ‘fans’ have been treating you.” Jensen’s own voice rumbles back, the words absorbed into Misha’s hair. Jensen doesn’t miss the way their arms tighten around each other minutely, a wordless reassurance of their support for the other.

“I know J.”

“Are we okay?” _Do you forgive me? For not showing you how much I love you?_ The words are stuck in his throat but the meaning is there. Misha always could read what he meant.

“I love you too J.”

It’s Jensen’s turn to sob now. The sound is ripped out him without his permission as he struggles to hold himself together against the onslaught of emotions he’s repressed for years.

Misha simply holds him tighter though, fingers tracing a soothing pattern in his hair. His blunt nails scratch against his scalp. The unexpected warmth the simple gesture brings him is startling in it’s effectiveness. It settles him to his very core, leaving him feeling safe in a way he’s barely familiar with.

The realization that he and Misha are plastered together in a very intimate way slowly dawns on Jensen. Maybe it’s his frayed nerves or the emotional honesty of the moment, but he’s completely unable to stop the way his body reacts to Misha’s proximity. There’s absolutely nothing he can do about the arousal building low in his gut.

He can’t do this right now, he doesn’t want to overshadow the importance of what just went down with anything else, there will be time for that later.

Jensen pushes himself back from Misha, albeit somewhat reluctantly, and just holds the man by the shoulders. Misha’s hands settle on Jensen’s hips, hot and firm. They stand there, just looking at eachother. In that moment Jensen knows he would do anything for this man.

“I’m going to fix this Mish. You and me are going to be more visible together. On twitter, or at cons... whatever it takes, ok?”

“Yeah, alright J.” Misha sounds like he’s trying to placate him.

Jensen frowns. Maybe he hasn’t been clear about why he’s upset.

“This is my fault Mish, I’ve allowed this situation. People who think they’re my fans are harassing you, sometimes on my behalf...that’s not fucking okay. I’m going to fix this.” Jensen didn’t realize his voice had gotten so loud but as he finishes speaking he’s practically yelling.

Misha is calm though. He just looks at Jensen with those soulful fucking eyes of his.

“Jensen, this is not your fault. If you want to be more publicly supportive of me then that’s great. But these people have their minds made up about who they think I am. I’m...used to it. But thank you for caring.”

“Damnit Misha, you shouldn’t have to get used to it --fuck!”

“It’s really okay Jensen, I’ve dealt with people like this my whole life, I can handle it.” Misha is trying to reassure Jensen but his words have the opposite effect.

“That’s exactly why it’s not okay. I’m going to fix it. I promise Mish.”

Misha’s staring at him now like he does sometimes, like Cas does to Dean. It’s as if he thinks he can find the truth of his words if he just looks hard enough. He must be satisfied with what he sees because eventually he just smiles that fucking beautiful smile, the one Jensen hasn’t seen all week and god has he missed it.

“Come on J, lets get something to eat and watch something ridiculous. I think we’ve earned the day off.”

 **  
** Nothing sounds better than spending the day with Misha. Jensen feels the smile on his own face, and he knows he hasn’t been this happy in a long time.


End file.
